love | single digit denim

Dating while Fat and Trying to Lose

I have been online dating. For a long, long time. I don’t get hit on at bars or church, and so this has been a long-term solution for meeting men.

For those of you less experienced in online dating, let me enlighten you. It is a very judgemental place. Once you filter potential guys on some criteria you set, you basically scroll through pictures until someone strikes your fancy. You may or may not read their entire profile before reaching out to them (through a wink, nudge or whatever cutesy word the site has come up with). Guys are no different. Guys are MUCH more visually driven, and so picture is everything.

For me, this poses a slight problem. My picture shows off my chubby cheeks and collar bones. Yes, I am a fat girl looking for love. BUT, I’m also a fat girl who is TRULY working to improve herself. That part – the part that’s not immediately visible, gets lost in the details. Literally. If you look at my profile, you will see I’m active…. way, way down – after my age, race, marriage status, kids status and religion.

So, the guys I typically hear from are big guys (because why would an athletic, fit guy reach out to a chubby girl?) But, they are not always on the same page as me in terms of health. Here’s what I can expect of the guys I hear from:

70% of them are big guys who “wink” at every chubby girl (or every girl for that matter). They may have a glint of an idea to lose weight “some day”, but there’s no immediate steps being taken. These guys also think they work out 3 times a week, but when you talk to them, they haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks, or don’t even have a gym membership.
25% of them think they are working on their health (me a year ago), and think they want to be with a girl who will encourage them. They think that by dating a fit (or getting fit) girl, they will magically absorb her good habits, but God forbid you encourage them – that makes you pushy. These are the guys that despite their aspirations, order queso at every meal.
5% of them are in my boat – I’m guessing. I haven’t truly met one of them, that I’m aware of. They may be big now, but they have made strides recently and continue to see progress. These are the ones I’m looking for!

This leaves me with precious little to work with. What’s a girl to do? Of the golden 5% of the big guys, there’s a needle in a haystack chance that I also get along with them, or we find each other mutually attractive, or have the same religious values…

All I can do is keep doing what I’ve always done and put myself out there. I don’t plan to ‘wait for skinny’ before I start looking.

Parental Love and Weight

I recognize that my writing skills are rusty, and I may not always build a story in the best way, hooking y’all early. So, I will just preface this blog with a request: read it to the end, because that’s where I’ve really exposed some stuff deep in my heart.

I have never really sized myself up to others in terms of appearance. I’ve very rarely walked into a room of strangers and thought ‘I’m the biggest one here.’ Occasionally I’ve said to myself “Oh good, I’m not the fattest one here.” Which if I think about it, means I have just contradicted myself. I MUST size myself up in terms of appearance when I walk in a room, however subconsciously.

But, being larger than others in the room has never really bugged me. I think when I heard the kid-friendly messaging that people should love you for who you are, and not what you look like, it over-resonated with me.

I’m not a mother, but I’ve really been thinking about how I would talk about nutrition, health, weight and beauty with a daughter. I kind of wish my parents had talked to me more about being thinner and the opportunities it opens for you, but I understand why they didn’t.

When I was in my mid-twenties my dad took a serious tone with me, and out of love and concern for my future, he said that I needed to lose weight if I ever wanted to find a husband. He prefaced it by saying he would only tell me this once, ever – and he’s held to that. As I write this, I’m having an emotional reaction not to what he said then, but the fact that he only said it only once. It means throughout my life – my chubby, chunky entire life – he bit his tongue about my weight. My mom too, was pretty quiet about my weight.

My Wonderful, Loving Parents (and me!)

It means they made a decision together, out of love for me, at some young, chunky moment in my life, to NOT give me a complex about it by over-harping on my snacks or meals, but instead encouraging the sports I was interested in (Tennis), and other healthy habits I’m likely not even aware of.

I cannot say they did me any disservice. Parenting is difficult in a way I cannot fathom. Somewhere along the way I just became wired to eat more and eat mindlessly (whether it was nature or nurture, I don’t care). But, I’m also wired to feel that what I am on the inside matters, I know what love feels like because of the abundant love they gave me, and I relish in the encouragement they’ve always given me without criticism (then and now).

single digit denim

Tag Archives: love

Dating while Fat and Trying to Lose

Parental Love and Weight

Follow “single digit denim”