Category Archives: The beginning

Nov 26 2011
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Confession, Size 20, The beginning

Dating while Fat and Trying to Lose

I have been online dating.  For a long, long time.  I don’t get hit on at bars or church, and so this has been a long-term solution for meeting men.

For those of you less experienced in online dating, let me enlighten you.  It is a very judgemental place.  Once you filter potential guys on some criteria you set, you basically scroll through pictures until someone strikes your fancy.  You may or may not read their entire profile before reaching out to them (through a wink, nudge or whatever cutesy word the site has come up with).  Guys are no different.  Guys are MUCH more visually driven, and so picture is everything.

For me, this poses a slight problem.  My picture shows off my chubby cheeks and collar bones.  Yes, I am a fat girl looking for love.  BUT, I’m also a fat girl who is TRULY working to improve herself.  That part – the part that’s not immediately visible, gets lost in the details.  Literally.  If you look at my profile, you will see I’m active…. way, way down – after my age, race, marriage status, kids status and religion.

So, the guys I typically hear from are big guys (because why would an athletic, fit guy reach out to a chubby girl?)  But, they are not always on the same page as me in terms of health.  Here’s what I can expect of the guys I hear from:

  • 70% of them are big guys who “wink” at every chubby girl (or every girl for that matter).  They may have a glint of an idea to lose weight “some day”, but there’s no immediate steps being taken.  These guys also think they work out 3 times a week, but when you talk to them, they haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks, or don’t even have a gym membership.
  • 25% of them think they are working on their health (me a year ago), and think they want to be with a girl who will encourage them.  They think that by dating a fit (or getting fit) girl, they will magically absorb her good habits, but God forbid you encourage them – that makes you pushy.  These are the guys that despite their aspirations, order queso at every meal.
  • 5% of them are in my boat – I’m guessing.  I haven’t truly met one of them, that I’m aware of.  They may be big now, but they have made strides recently and continue to see progress.  These are the ones I’m looking for!

This leaves me with precious little to work with.  What’s a girl to do?  Of the golden 5% of the big guys, there’s a needle in a haystack chance that I also get along with them, or we find each other mutually attractive, or have the same religious values…

All I can do is keep doing what I’ve always done and put myself out there.  I don’t plan to ‘wait for skinny’ before I start looking.

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Nov 25 2011
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Confession, Goals, Size 20, The beginning

Doubters & Self Doubt

I am pretty shy about this blog.  I shared it slowly with friends and family members.  There were (and are still) family members I purposely did NOT share the blog with because I feared what they said.  Well, as it is human nature to talk, they talked.  Within two days of starting the website, word had gotten to someone I had purposely not shared the blog with.

This person has always been a straight-shooter.  It’s rare you see a tender side to her, because she grew up surviving.  When she told me she’d heard about the site, she thought it was great, great, great.  BUT, she told me I will never be a size 8.

My heart sank.

She hadn’t actually SEEN the site at that point, so she asked if I’d sent her the link.  I hadn’t. When she asked why I hadn’t included her, I told her it was because I’d figured she would say something like she had.  She started to wheel back and explain herself and blah blah blah.

I get it. Granted she doesn’t think I can do it, what she was TRYING to say was that I should be happy to get to a size 12 or so.  I shouldn’t be disappointed if only I get that far.

What really irks me is what I said next.  I said that a size 8 was a goal and once I proved to myself I could do it, I’d probably go back to a comfortable 10 or 12.  Why?  Why would I say that?  Do I have doubt in myself?  Do I not think I can maintain a smaller size?  If anything I should have said Oh Yeah?  Watch me!  But just like she was trying to forgive me ahead of time for not reaching my ultimate goal, I was giving myself an out as well.  I really don’t know what to make of this though I continue to ponder.  Thoughts?  Wisdom?  Experience?

Nov 12 2011
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Size 22, The beginning

The Changes I Can’t See

Tonight, two amazing things happened!  First, I did a 40 minute elliptical workout.  No, that’s not any particular feat for me, but the way my heart responded and the way I continue to feel post work-out is so surprising.  I rocked that elliptical.  Usually it winds me after just a few minutes.  My thighs and abs are a little sore, but I feel GREAT an hour and a half after.

I think all that working out last week did wonders for my heart and continues to make it stronger.  It’s so interesting to see how I have to work harder to get my heart rate up – it has to mean good things!

The second thing that happened today is I realized my stomach has finally gotten used to less food.  I feel full on less food, and don’t have pangs of hunger an hour later.  I’m satiated on a meal I perhaps would have considered a ‘boring snack’ before.

And just for kicks, I would like to throw out there that not eating out for the month of November has been so rewarding and easy.  I considered doing it for December, but ultimately think I’ll give myself another type of challenge.  I can’t wait to tell ya’ll how November shakes – out :)

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Nov 12 2011
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Size 22, The beginning

Parental Love and Weight

I recognize that my writing skills are rusty, and I may not always build a story in the best way, hooking y’all early.  So, I will just preface this blog with a request: read it to the end, because that’s where I’ve really exposed some stuff deep in my heart.

I have never really sized myself up to others in terms of appearance.  I’ve very rarely walked into a room of strangers and thought ‘I’m the biggest one here.’  Occasionally I’ve said to myself “Oh good, I’m not the fattest one here.”  Which if I think about it, means I have just contradicted myself.  I MUST size myself up in terms of appearance when I walk in a room, however subconsciously.

But, being larger than others in the room has never really bugged me.  I think when I heard the kid-friendly messaging that people should love you for who you are, and not what you look like, it over-resonated with me.

I’m not a mother, but I’ve really been thinking about how I would talk about nutrition, health, weight and beauty with a daughter.  I kind of wish my parents had talked to me more about being thinner and the opportunities it opens for you, but I understand why they didn’t.

When I was in my mid-twenties my dad took a serious tone with me, and out of love and concern for my future, he said that I needed to lose weight if I ever wanted to find a husband.  He prefaced it by saying he would only tell me this once, ever – and he’s held to that.  As I write this, I’m having an emotional reaction not to what he said then, but the fact that he only said it only once.  It means throughout my life – my chubby, chunky entire life – he bit his tongue about my weight.  My mom too, was pretty quiet about my weight.

My Wonderful, Loving Parents (and me!)

It means they made a decision together, out of love for me, at some young, chunky moment in my life, to NOT give me a complex about it by over-harping on my snacks or meals, but instead encouraging the sports I was interested in (Tennis), and other healthy habits I’m likely not even aware of.

I cannot say they did me any disservice.  Parenting is difficult in a way I cannot fathom.  Somewhere along the way I just became wired to eat more and eat mindlessly (whether it was nature or nurture, I don’t care).  But, I’m also wired to feel that what I am on the inside matters, I know what love feels like because of the abundant love they gave me, and I relish in the encouragement they’ve always given me without criticism (then and now).

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Nov 11 2011
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Recipe, Size 22, The beginning

Making (Even More) Space

A while back I wrote a post about the lack of space for non-healthy food in my daily calories – if I’m trying to eat healthier things, and stay under 1360 calories a day, then there’s no space for “bad” things like fatty candy bars.

This idea of space has continued to percolate since that post. After writing it, I realized that space is a constant theme in my life (or the lack of it, anyway). I don’t always have the space in my budget for all that I want to buy. There is not enough space, in the form of time, to do all I want in my day.

Today I made a big move in terms of space – in finances and time. I got rid of cable. Completely.

This was a BIG decision for me. It took me a month to pull the the plug (quite literally); I kept promising myself I’d cancel it after True Blood, then after Weeds, then after Homeland, the CMAs, The Office, The Biggest Loser….

Hello, my name is Katie, and I’m addicted to craptastic television.

Well, it’s done. No more cable for now. I have probably gained about 10-15 hours of my week back, and about 75 bucks a month. Will I experience TV withdrawals? Sadly, depressingly, yes. BUT, I’m very excited with all I will be able to do – reading, more working out, more walking my dog, paying of debt, taking classes….

It’s a very difficult change for me, but another necessary lifestyle change none the less. I am super excited to see myself taking these steps and it only spurs me on.

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Nov 09 2011
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Size 22, The beginning

2nd Doors & Easter Eggs

Two years ago I had knee surgery.  I apparently have a high tolerance for pain, so the injury went undiagnosed for a while, and made it difficult to gauge the healing progress, since pain wasn’t really a factor for me.  However, there was this one little moment when I realized I was on the mend.

I could walk around pretty well post-surgery, though stairs and speed were still an issue.  My building had a key pad that would unlock two doors for a timed amount of time.  I had a very difficult time getting to the 2nd door because of the distance and a couple of steps.  But, one day I did it!

It was the tiniest mark of progress, but it made such a difference in my outlook on “getting back to normal.”

Today, as I continue to work on my waistline, I continue to find the whole process daunting.  I have over 100 pounds to lose and I know it’s going to take the greater part of two years to do it.  I can break it up into milestones, goals, mini goals, etc. etc., but those “2nd doors” are like little Easter eggs for me – it’s always fun to discover them – like the day I could see definition in my quad muscles, the day I got a runners high, and the moment I realized I liked broccoli.  These events spur me on and make it all worthwhile.

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Nov 08 2011
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Goals, Recipe, Size 22, The beginning

Spicy Southwestern Egg Rolls!

Tonight I crossed one goal off this week’s list – I tried one new recipe.

I’m a Mexican food junkie, and so when I saw Sassy Southwestern Egg Rolls in the Hungry Girl’s 200 under 200 cook book, I was stoked.  I’m also a big fan of Chili’s Southwestern Egg Rolls, by the way.

These cut the calories by using low carb tortillas and stuffing them with chopped spinach, corn, and black beans.  There’s also some cheese, but it’s not much.

As I prepped the food, I was skeptical.  Spinach, in its Pop-eye canned form (or thawed), looks pretty gross to me.  Spinach is just one of those veggies I haven’t really come around to.  I recently tried the South Beach Diet spinach quiche cups and I just could not do it.  What a waste of eggs.

But.  BUT BUT BUT.  I actually LIKED the spinach-stuffed egg rolls.  I did make a few recipe modifications you should know about.  For one, I didn’t have red chili peppers, so didn’t include them.  I had a REALLY difficult time rolling up all the ingredients, so I ultimately put them in a muffin tin and cooked them that way.  I also (confession alert) added some cheese to the final item (in anticipation of cheese overcoming the spinach).  It didn’t need it, really.  Finally, I added one tortilla to the recipe because there was too much stuff (even in muffin form) to fit inside.

Check it out:

Nov 07 2011
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Confession, Size 22, The beginning

Idle Hands Make for Bad Decisions

I know there are things to be said about the best laid plans, but when you’re changing your life for the healthier, plans are important.

Tonight I had plans.  Plans to play tennis and make Hungry Girl’s Sassy Southwestern Eggrolls.  Tennis was cancelled due to rain, and eggrolls were cancelled due to un-thawed chicken.  This left me with a scary amount of unplanned time.

I used to revel in this kind of evening.  I would curl up on the sofa to watch TV and munch. All. Night.   I would start with something that was meal-like. AND THEN (remember Dude Where’s my Car?) I might have popcorn. AND THEN I might have some grapes.  AND THEN I might have some ice cream.

The food might have changed, but the process was fairly consistent.  Even when I was trying to have a fairly restricted diet, evenings were always a problem.  And they still are, apparently.

I was certainly more mindful of it as the temptations came on, but tonight I started with 3-seed bread toast and added the last of my tomato soup.  BUT THEN I wanted ‘a little something else.’  AND SO THEN I had some popcorn with parmesan cheese.  And I was literally about to wrap up this blog and realized I have boiled eggs sitting on the stove for the intention of some devilled eggs of which if prepared tonight, I would surely have more than one.  Sigh…

I think the most dangerous thing (for me) when it comes to weight gain has been passive, head-in-the-sand mentality.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this weight loss is going to take intention.  The next time I find myself 10 feet from the kitchen with no plan, I will make a new plan that will lend success and not munching.

Nov 07 2011
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Size 22, The beginning

Data Driven

I work in market research.  For those of you (that is, the majority of you) who don’t know what that means, I am part of a process where we create surveys for clients to help them answer business questions.  For example, maybe the Texas board of Tourism wants to know what brings people to Texas, and what makes Texas stay in Texas.  So, our team will create a survey, buy a random sample of people across the country (or world), and additional sample for Texas, and use the internet to survey them.  It’s far more sophisticated than Survey Monkey, but you’d get the idea if you’ve ever used the tool.

When all that is said and done, we take all the data and create a report and presentation for the client.  We look at it every which way, cut it by males vs. females, Texans vs. non-Texans, Americans vs. non-Americans, young vs. old, heavy travelers vs. lite travelers, etc. etc.

Basically all of this to say data and statistics turn me on a bit.

My ultimate goal in all of this is to be a healthy size 8 (hence, single digit denim).  I used some rough math, as I like to call it, to determine what weight it would take to get to that size.  But today, I came across DATA.  Well, self-reported data (which for a researcher like me, is kind of like of like going to six flags when you really wanted Disney World), but data none the less.

Some girl had asked the interwebs to report their weight, height and size, so she could do her stats class project (I like this girl!).  I took that data, looked only at the women in my height range: 5’3″ to 5’4″, and produced this lovely little thing:

Base: 219

Height / Weight / Size Chart. The blue plot points represent every piece of data I collected. For any junior sizes, (that is odd sizes), I rounded up to the next Women's size (i.e. a Women's 3 became a Women's 4). The red line is the trend. Obviously there is not one weight at every size, and obviously women lie about their weight, so this just smooths things out a big. The glow is nothing precise - just sort of gave me a range.

What’s funny here is I am surprisingly above the line.  That’s me, the orange plot-points, circled in black.  I would have thought with my wide hips, I would have to weigh LESS at a size 22 (and a girl with ginormous boobs would weigh more at a size 22).  Maybe my brain is frazzled and I’m thinking about this in reverse though.

In any case, to be a size 8, looks like I’ll need to get down to 140-ish.  And, since my short-term size goal is a 20, according to the graph, I’d need to weigh about 220.  Hrmmm. Here’s hoping I’m consistently above the line, because 220 is a LOOONG way away, and to do that by the end of December frightens me a tad.  Send me love, support, good wishes and prayers and I’ll send ‘em right back!

Nov 06 2011
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Goals, Size 22, The beginning

Goals for the week 2011-11-07

I love, love, love the challenge I set for myself this week.  It’s so much easier to focus on a short term goal if it helps you reach that long term goal.  There’s something much more simplified about doing one small thing really well than to think “lose 140 lbs in the next 2 years.”

I’m almost done with last-week’s goals (just need to work out today and eat some veggies – yikes, it’s getting late!).  This week, I’m trying something totally different.  Below is a list of things I should do daily, but it’s still hard for me to fit them ALL in.  So, for the week, I have daily goals and weekly goals.  If I DON’T meet my goals, I have to give up Diet Dr. Pepper for the following week.  Here goes….

Do any 14 of these things a day:

  • Drink 24 oz. of water
  • Drink 24 oz. of water
  • Drink 24 oz. of water
  • Drink 24 oz. of water
  • Drink 24 oz. of water
  • Eat a ½ cup serving of veggies
  • Eat a ½ cup serving of veggies
  • Eat a ½ cup serving of veggies
  • Eat a ½ cup serving of fruit
  • Eat a ½ cup serving of fruit
  • Eat a ½ cup serving of fruit
  • Workout for 30 minutes, burning at least 250 calories (counts as 3)
  • Drink 8 oz. of milk
  • Drink/eat 8 oz. of dairy
  • Do Physical Therapy Exercises
  • Do running exercises (all of them!) (counts as 2)
  • Eat/drink 8oz. of Protein
  • Eat/drink 8oz. of Protein
  • Eat/drink 8oz. of Protein
  • Eat/drink 8oz. of Protein

Weekly goals:

  • Workout at least 4 times (30 minutes minimum, burning at least 250 calorie)
  • Try at least 2 new recipes
  • Take Zoe on two walks (can be combined with working out if minimum standards are met)
  • Go one day without Diet Dr. Pepper
  • Try one new vegetable (can be combined with trying new recipes)

Just a reminder of my November goal: No eating out

And a reminder of my goal by the end of the year: size 20 denim!

Eeek!

 

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