Category Archives: Self Realization

Feb 11 2012
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Self Realization, Size 20

Shrinking Stomach

I’m not talking about my waistline.  I’m talking about the organ that sits under my left lung and used to have no limits.

I’m on a mini vacation down in Corpus Christi, Texas… where I grew up.  On the heels of my nutritionist appointment, I am especially mindful of calories, and I have tracked every calorie to the best of my ability.  And yet, I’m so tempted by a couple of my favorite restaurants, particularly Mexican food joints.

However, there used to be no bounds to what my stomach could take.  I could eat heavy three meals per day and feel no pressure on the belly.  Yesterday, I had a nutritionist-approved Egg McMuffin for breakfast, tall green tea and pudding for mid-morning snack and what I thought was a lightER attempt at one of my favorite Mexican dishes: enchiladas.  See, the day before I had overdone it on a tres enchiladas plate, feeling pretty miserable the remaining portion of the day.  So yesterday, I instead had ONE enchilada, some chips and a little queso.  By 4pm, the time for nutritionist enforced snack, I couldn’t do it.  I felt so full, so gross, and like my stomach still couldn’t take another bite.  By 6pm,

I still hadn’t eaten when friends invited me to (Mexican) food and conversation.  Who can turn down conversation?

I showed up apprehensive about  how to marry my still-full stomach with the menu, thinking about how much my body has changed, even if the scale reveals just 20 pounds.  It means that I’ve come farther than 20 pounds, and reminds me the scale is just one measure of success.

In the end, I had brothy tortilla soup and nursed a margarita.  I forgot to step on the scale this morning (though this is probably a good thing), and I still feel quite full after breakfast, but this week has been a lesson in portion size and encouragement for things to come.

Dec 27 2011
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Self Realization, Size 20

Pushing Perceived Limits

Oh man, ya’ll.  I’m on a 3 or 4 week hiatus from boot camp right now (because they shut down, not because I don’t want to be there), and so I was beaming when I received a kettle weight for Christmas.  What is a kettle weight, you might ask?  Well, it’s similar to a kettle ball, only instead of a ball, it looks like a dumb bell. And, it came with a DVD.

I did the beginner video.  Lots of lunging, squatting and swinging.  I expected some arm and shoulder tenderness, as this weight is heavier than my standard dumb bells I use at Camp Gladiator – 10lbs vs. two 3lbs.  But noooooooo (think of a kid putting an emphasis on about the 4th “o”).

My ass hurts.  It’s a good hurt.  I walk funny, feel silly-slow while trying to sit on a chair, and even sitting on my super cushy sofa, the slightest  move ignites a fire at the top of the backs of my thighs.

And I love it.  I have not had this type of pain in a couple of weeks and I have a difficult time getting it outside of boot camp.

Why is it that it takes a personal trainer, boot camp, or something with a “coach” that makes me push myself to this point?  Why can’t I push myself to this point without the help of an expert?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to be hard on myself here, just trying to understand.  I often do long cardio workouts – 40-60 minutes on an elliptical or treadmill at 4-6 incline.  No, I don’t run a 10 minute mile, but the duration is there.  When I do weights, I push myself.  I do planks, angry penguins, pushups, triceps dips, crunches, toe touches and all the weight machines available to me (and more).

For now, I will keep wondering.  I would like to get to the point where I am my own personal trainer – where I can push my body to exhaustion and soreness, so that my muscles rebuild stronger than before,  where I’m pushing myself as much as a boot camp trainer would push me.  Until then, and even beyond, I will gladly attend boot camp where I’m pushed beyond my known limits, and discover just how far I can go.

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Dec 15 2011
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Confession, Self Realization, Size 20

How does this happen?

How does this happen?  I can eat really healthy for weeks, and have a few days of so-so decisions, and put on a chunk of weight.  No no no,  I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking, “That’s how weight gain happens.”  This is different.

No secret I haven’t been *as good* with my diet as I was say a few weeks ago.  I own it.  But, the fact that I have put on EIGHT pounds since Saturday must be something else.  Is this real weight gain?  Water weight?

My completely unscientific theory: my body is not sure what to do with this bad food.  Fast food, EVEN WHEN YOU MAKE THE LOWER-CALORIE CHOICES, sits like a rock in your stomach.  Your body has a more difficult time processing it.  Add to that the fact that the more crap you eat, the less good stuff you eat too (like fiber-rich broccoli).

The thing is, this has happened twice.  Just a FEW days of eating poorly resulted in an EIGHT pound weight gain.  This is simply unnatural and disturbing.

And yet, there are times when the ONLY  thing that sounds good is Panda Express.  I have GOT to learn to cook Chinese food, and fast.

As for me and getting out of this funk, it’s back to fresh food for me.  Would love to hear your tips for eating healthy while traveling!

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Dec 09 2011
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Self Realization, Size 20

Pomp and Circumstance

This week, one of my best friends graduates from college.  She and I were in 1st grade together, at the gifted & talented school I mentioned in one of my very first posts.  In chatting about her impending walk in a black gown, she mentioned that it feels kind of “meh” to her to finish up.  It’s not that she’s not proud of the accomplishment – she is – she’s just ready to be done I think.  But, I agreed that I felt about the same way when I graduated.  Proud, but “whatever” were my sentiments.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m about to say; I get that there are students out there who do not have the opportunity to go to college, be it special education needs, learning disabilities, finances, family obligations, etc. etc.  But, for my friend and I, having gone to a GT school due to some test that identified us as “special” back in kindergarten, the challenges of college had to do with patience, working on group projects, finding time to work another job so we could pay the bills, etc.  Learning has always come very easy for us both, and we are both grateful for this gift.

This friend has recently hit some amazing milestones with her own weight loss efforts, losing 65 lbs!  I was telling her that when I lose all the weight I intend to, THAT will be the biggest accomplishment I have ever achieved, and she agreed for herself.  To lose weight does not come naturally to either us.  What has felt natural to me are things like salt shakers, french fries, pulling into a fast food restaurant at the first inkling of hunger, and coming up with excuses to not exercise at the snap of my fingers.  Losing this weight requires undoing YEARS of bad habits, and fighting my tendencies the rest of my life to keep it off!  I have to put up with my God-given genetics of pudginess, chubby cheeks, big calves (at any weight!), pear shape, stretch marks and on and on and on.

I don’t mean to diminish the hard work it takes for anyone to graduate – it is certainly hard.  But college was instilled as an expectation in me (both from my parents and myself).  Imagine what my life would had been like if the same instillation had been made for healthy choices.

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