Category Archives: Confession

Dec 27 2012
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Confession

Thinkng Thinking Thinking

Today, I think.  I think about why my \blog has dropped off (I let it expire in fact).  I wonder why the weight is creeping back on.  I wonder why I lost it and what motivated it.

I think about the old coworker of mine, who indicated on Facebook she had lost 70 lbs in 6 months.  I have lost 30 pounds in a year and a half, with lots to go.

I think that boot camp did wonders for me, even though I lost interest, and that the weight loss haulted when I stopped going as often.  I think I’d like to start back up again, and think there are some hiccups with doing that.

I think I joined a gym for some ease and variety, and ended up not going.  Ever.

I think about the bloggers I followed, who I no longer follow, but still think about (thinking about you, one twenty five). 

I think about fashion and the clothes I tried on today.  I think about how my current “fat” jeans are still big, but that they are so worn, my belly hangs over at times, or shows when i lift my arms.

I think I over use pinterest, but I don’t plan to stop. 

I think I gave up cable to give myself more time and money, which worked, until I really discovered hulu+, and then it was pointless. 

I think about a long commute to work, and what it will bring to my life, and what it might take away from my life.  I think about what inspirational podcasts I could introduce to my life.

I forever think about the big areas of my life (of anyone’s life) and how to keep them all front of mind – spirituality, relationships, finances, fitness, career.  Which one should I be thinking about the most.

I think about my future, what it entails, how it will change me. 

I think about my boyfriends best friend, being induced to bring her baby boy into the world tonight.  Her first.

I think about my pal, Suzanne, out in Atlanta and how I can’t wait to see her annual (belated) Christmas Card that showcases her cute little Atlantan cottage bungalow, and maybe her cat Peeves.

I think about Devin out in Cape Cod, and how she introduces traditions into her family of four. 

I think about my cousin Dixie, starting nursing school in just a few days (whoop!). 

I think about my blog readers, who have likely all left me, regretably. 

And right now, I’m thinking about how to get back on track.  How to start dropping the pounds with little motivation.  I wish doing it for my own health was enough for me.   I wonder how many people do it for their health, vs. doing it for their appearance?  I wonder, of the people who do it for appearance, if they do it for how they feel about themselves, or for the reactions of those around them. 

In any case, I’m thinking.

Dec 15 2011
3 Comments
Confession, Self Realization, Size 20

How does this happen?

How does this happen?  I can eat really healthy for weeks, and have a few days of so-so decisions, and put on a chunk of weight.  No no no,  I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking, “That’s how weight gain happens.”  This is different.

No secret I haven’t been *as good* with my diet as I was say a few weeks ago.  I own it.  But, the fact that I have put on EIGHT pounds since Saturday must be something else.  Is this real weight gain?  Water weight?

My completely unscientific theory: my body is not sure what to do with this bad food.  Fast food, EVEN WHEN YOU MAKE THE LOWER-CALORIE CHOICES, sits like a rock in your stomach.  Your body has a more difficult time processing it.  Add to that the fact that the more crap you eat, the less good stuff you eat too (like fiber-rich broccoli).

The thing is, this has happened twice.  Just a FEW days of eating poorly resulted in an EIGHT pound weight gain.  This is simply unnatural and disturbing.

And yet, there are times when the ONLY  thing that sounds good is Panda Express.  I have GOT to learn to cook Chinese food, and fast.

As for me and getting out of this funk, it’s back to fresh food for me.  Would love to hear your tips for eating healthy while traveling!

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Dec 13 2011
1 Comment
Confession, Size 20

Confession

I’m not doing well on my goals already.  I need encouragement.  I have not been to boot camp this week, first out of not getting out of bed, but then because I had to go check on my uncle’s sick cat unexpectedly.  I’m also not dieting well.  I keep writing posts in hopes of encouraging myself, but it’s not working.  I need to just follow some of my own advice and GO.

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Dec 01 2011
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Confession, Size 20

Do. Do, do, do.

It’s slow-going in camp single-digit-denim.  Last I reported, I’d lost about 14 lbs.  I should probably know it down to the two-tenths-of-a-pound, but when you weigh over 200, two-tenths feels like pocket change, honestly.

The thing is, my weight changes DRASTICALLY day to day.  I don’t know how it works for skinny girls, but from Monday to Tuesday, my weight can fluctuate by as much as 6 lbs.  I KNOW “they” say you shouldn’t weigh every single day, but I do.  I think they say that to teens so they don’t develop eating disorders.  Truth is, had I forced myself to step on a scale daily starting in college, I’d probably be about 80 lbs lighter.  I would have seen the numbers creeping and would have changed it then. (And honestly, knowing your weight is like knowing your bank account balance…)

I put on weight rather obliviously.  I don’t really remember thinking “Op! I’m a size up this time!”  I don’t even remember the moment when I could no longer shop at the “regular” store.  Why didn’t anyone say anything?  There were signs for myself – all over the place!  (Ok, that’s not fair – my mother did say stuff, but for some reason we dismiss our mothers).

Granted I’m no closer to getting married today than I was when I was say, six, I’d actually thought about how I’d be a fat bride.  I thought about what dress cuts flatter short stocky girls.  How pathetic is that?  Even when i was single+fat, I saw myself fat for life (or fat till ‘I do’ at least).

The truth is I fell ever so slightly from the wagon in the past week.  I think three and a half days off at Thanksgiving had a role.  I have been more tired since waking up early (ahem, for workouts I’ve been skipping sporadically).  Work has picked up a tad.  All reasons, but all excuses.  I have boot camp tomorrow morning and literally thought an hour ago, “Maybe I’ll start next week off fresh and just not go tomorrow.”

No.  No no no.  It re-starts NOW.  Now now now.  As of this morning, I’m at 13 lbs lost.  My corduroys’s were hanging off of me yesterday.  The new jeans I bought last week fit like a glove and I love that feeling every time I zip the fly.  I need more of THOSE moments.  I need more of those empowering moments when boot camp ends with a “bring it in.”  I know all the things I need and must do.  Now it’s time to do.  Do do do.

I keep reminding myself that if I can just do this, I can do anything.  “Recovering” from weight gain will be one of the most difficult things I do in my life, and overcoming it will be the most inspirational.

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Nov 27 2011
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Confession, Consolations & Desolations, Size 20

Consolations and Desolations

Something I’d like to do on Sunday’s moving forward: Consolations and Desolations.  What was your Consolation – high point – of the week, and what was your Desolation – low point – for the week.  It doesn’t have to be weight or health related – but it can be.

For me, my consolation of the week was yesterday’s boot camp.  It was my 3rd boot camp ever, and since it was a Saturday (or maybe because it was a holiday), the trainer(s) were new to me.  And, because it was raining, there were only nine of us.  The two trainers were right there next to us, adjusting our planks, and showing us what “parallel” looks like in a wall squat.  I’m more sore than I’ve ever been and though I can only move slowly, I’m proud of how hard I pushed myself.

As for a desolation, it involves a tube of cookie dough, one of my “trigger” foods.  This is a term I learned about back in my Weight Watchers days.  Trigger foods are the things you should never purchase, because once you have a bite, you have twenty.  I lied to myself when I bought the stuff – told myself that I would be making some cookies for Thanksgiving, all the while knowing I would munch on the dough alone.  I ate that whole tube of cookie dough in a matter of 2.5 days.

So what is your consolation and your desolation of the week?  And while we’re at it, what are your trigger foods? You can comment, or you can let me know in 140 characters on twitter: @1digitdenim

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Nov 26 2011
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Confession, Size 20, The beginning

Dating while Fat and Trying to Lose

I have been online dating.  For a long, long time.  I don’t get hit on at bars or church, and so this has been a long-term solution for meeting men.

For those of you less experienced in online dating, let me enlighten you.  It is a very judgemental place.  Once you filter potential guys on some criteria you set, you basically scroll through pictures until someone strikes your fancy.  You may or may not read their entire profile before reaching out to them (through a wink, nudge or whatever cutesy word the site has come up with).  Guys are no different.  Guys are MUCH more visually driven, and so picture is everything.

For me, this poses a slight problem.  My picture shows off my chubby cheeks and collar bones.  Yes, I am a fat girl looking for love.  BUT, I’m also a fat girl who is TRULY working to improve herself.  That part – the part that’s not immediately visible, gets lost in the details.  Literally.  If you look at my profile, you will see I’m active…. way, way down – after my age, race, marriage status, kids status and religion.

So, the guys I typically hear from are big guys (because why would an athletic, fit guy reach out to a chubby girl?)  But, they are not always on the same page as me in terms of health.  Here’s what I can expect of the guys I hear from:

  • 70% of them are big guys who “wink” at every chubby girl (or every girl for that matter).  They may have a glint of an idea to lose weight “some day”, but there’s no immediate steps being taken.  These guys also think they work out 3 times a week, but when you talk to them, they haven’t been to the gym in a couple of weeks, or don’t even have a gym membership.
  • 25% of them think they are working on their health (me a year ago), and think they want to be with a girl who will encourage them.  They think that by dating a fit (or getting fit) girl, they will magically absorb her good habits, but God forbid you encourage them – that makes you pushy.  These are the guys that despite their aspirations, order queso at every meal.
  • 5% of them are in my boat – I’m guessing.  I haven’t truly met one of them, that I’m aware of.  They may be big now, but they have made strides recently and continue to see progress.  These are the ones I’m looking for!

This leaves me with precious little to work with.  What’s a girl to do?  Of the golden 5% of the big guys, there’s a needle in a haystack chance that I also get along with them, or we find each other mutually attractive, or have the same religious values…

All I can do is keep doing what I’ve always done and put myself out there.  I don’t plan to ‘wait for skinny’ before I start looking.

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Nov 25 2011
2 Comments
Confession, Goals, Size 20, The beginning

Doubters & Self Doubt

I am pretty shy about this blog.  I shared it slowly with friends and family members.  There were (and are still) family members I purposely did NOT share the blog with because I feared what they said.  Well, as it is human nature to talk, they talked.  Within two days of starting the website, word had gotten to someone I had purposely not shared the blog with.

This person has always been a straight-shooter.  It’s rare you see a tender side to her, because she grew up surviving.  When she told me she’d heard about the site, she thought it was great, great, great.  BUT, she told me I will never be a size 8.

My heart sank.

She hadn’t actually SEEN the site at that point, so she asked if I’d sent her the link.  I hadn’t. When she asked why I hadn’t included her, I told her it was because I’d figured she would say something like she had.  She started to wheel back and explain herself and blah blah blah.

I get it. Granted she doesn’t think I can do it, what she was TRYING to say was that I should be happy to get to a size 12 or so.  I shouldn’t be disappointed if only I get that far.

What really irks me is what I said next.  I said that a size 8 was a goal and once I proved to myself I could do it, I’d probably go back to a comfortable 10 or 12.  Why?  Why would I say that?  Do I have doubt in myself?  Do I not think I can maintain a smaller size?  If anything I should have said Oh Yeah?  Watch me!  But just like she was trying to forgive me ahead of time for not reaching my ultimate goal, I was giving myself an out as well.  I really don’t know what to make of this though I continue to ponder.  Thoughts?  Wisdom?  Experience?

Nov 17 2011
1 Comment
Confession, Goals, Size 22

And what a great feeling it is!

A year ago, I would not recognize the person I was today.  I would THINK I had it in me, but when push came to shove, I didn’t stick to my guns the way I did today.

Let me enlighten you a bit.  Today, something major happened.  Again, I have this lofty November goal/challenge to not eat any meals out.  I may not have spelled out every single little instance of this out clearly, but in my mind, this means no eating out, no ordering in, no picking up – no foods prepared by someone other than ME.  It’s a goal to get me closer to a smaller size, but ultimately it’s about building healthier habits.

Today was a thanksgiving (lower case t) lunch for all employees.  It was catered Mexican food (my fav) and it was free.  In the past, I had always said free food trumps healthy food.  I was also very poor back when I thought that, but you can see how my priorities were misaligned.  In those days, it didn’t matter if I was on day one of a diet – if someone else was paying, the diet could wait.

Quick confession regarding my decision today: I REALLY had to think about eating that (free) food.  I discussed with my coworkers the possible loopholes in my challenge that would allow me to eat this offering of thanks from our CEO.  They suggested I only eat the healthy stuff, skip the tortillas and cheese, etc. etc.  I even started thinking through a trade-off where IF I ate from the make-your-own-fajita train today, then I could not have diet soda OR processed foods for the rest of the month.  In the end, I decided PoK-e-Joe’s just was. not. worth. it.

Before I could talk myself into eating the yummy food, I made my Top Chef inspired Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers Chicken Fresca and ate it before I headed to the conference room.  As everyone lined up to assemble their meal, I stood back and just chatted with coworkers who were waiting for the line to die down.  Eventually someone asked me why I wasn’t eating, and I explained my deal.

And get this!  They said that I inspire them! Me!

I’ve never thought much about inspiring others, especially where healthy choices were concerned.  I did however read this blog post once, by one of my favorite bloggers at one twenty five, where she talked about inspiring herself.  My choices today, and as of late for that matter, have inspired ME.  What a great feeling it is!

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Nov 07 2011
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Confession, Size 22, The beginning

Idle Hands Make for Bad Decisions

I know there are things to be said about the best laid plans, but when you’re changing your life for the healthier, plans are important.

Tonight I had plans.  Plans to play tennis and make Hungry Girl’s Sassy Southwestern Eggrolls.  Tennis was cancelled due to rain, and eggrolls were cancelled due to un-thawed chicken.  This left me with a scary amount of unplanned time.

I used to revel in this kind of evening.  I would curl up on the sofa to watch TV and munch. All. Night.   I would start with something that was meal-like. AND THEN (remember Dude Where’s my Car?) I might have popcorn. AND THEN I might have some grapes.  AND THEN I might have some ice cream.

The food might have changed, but the process was fairly consistent.  Even when I was trying to have a fairly restricted diet, evenings were always a problem.  And they still are, apparently.

I was certainly more mindful of it as the temptations came on, but tonight I started with 3-seed bread toast and added the last of my tomato soup.  BUT THEN I wanted ‘a little something else.’  AND SO THEN I had some popcorn with parmesan cheese.  And I was literally about to wrap up this blog and realized I have boiled eggs sitting on the stove for the intention of some devilled eggs of which if prepared tonight, I would surely have more than one.  Sigh…

I think the most dangerous thing (for me) when it comes to weight gain has been passive, head-in-the-sand mentality.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this weight loss is going to take intention.  The next time I find myself 10 feet from the kitchen with no plan, I will make a new plan that will lend success and not munching.

Nov 06 2011
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Confession, Size 22, The beginning

Confessions

About a year and a half ago, I lived practically next door to a Walgreen’s. It was highly convenient for those groceries I forgot to buy, but it was quite detrimental to my hips and thighs (rhyme not intended).

I would often buy their 2 for $10 DiGiorno’s Pizzas with the intention of spreading one pizza out over 2-3 meals. But, after I’d bake it, I’d pull out 2-3 slices (of 6) for myself, then find myself going back for just one more slice at least once or twice. I don’t remember it happening, but I’ll bet anything that I ate that whole pizza in one evening at least once (gulp).

Truth be told, I probably COULD still do that. My stomach can seemingly handle anything I throw at it. But, there’s so much empowerment saying I WON’T eat this whole pizza; in saying this pizza WILL last me at least two meals.

Let’s go back about 22 years. My dad was picking me up from elementary school with a stomach ache. When he arrived to pick me up and take me home, he asked me why I thought I wasn’t feeling well. The nurse replied on my behalf: “MAYBE it’s because she had pizza and ice cream for breakfast.” My dad felt like parent of the year in that moment, I’m sure.

Old habits die hard :) Though I AM having pizza for breakfast this morning, it is just two slices of the same DiGiorno pizza I made last night, and it’s a very, very, very rare treat. Old habits reinvented, perhaps?

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