single digit denim

Sixty-nine days.  Sixty-nine days ago, I started a weight-loss journey for the bazillionth time since probably 6^th grade.  My dear friend Tracy, whom I’ve known since 1^st grade encouraged me to go on a 12-week (84 day) challenge with her to lose 10 lbs.  I thought – piece of cake.  I’ve lost weight in the past and when I really commit to it, it just falls off.

Now, with 15 days left to go, I have lost 7lbs.  Well, in actuality I lost 3, gained EIGHT, and then lost 11.  But, I’m still not to that point where I’m 10lbs from where I started.

Tracy has been great, honestly.  She’s always full of ideas when I’m struggling.  She’s also come a long way herself – losing something like 70+ pounds in the last year and a half, through disciplined eating, yoga and running.  So, when the one therapist I met one time said that whenever I’m trying to do something, I should talk to someone who has done it, it resonated with me.

Still, I have been disappointed in my progress.  I have been half-assing it, if I’m really honest.  I can chock some of it up to “learning experience” or whatever, and the friends who are supporting me in their sugar-sweet way will say as much.  But it took another friend, whom I’ve always considered a no-bullshit kind of gal, to really jar me this weekend.

Nicole and I have known each other for six or so years.  She has a strong personality and is feistier than I am at times.  She has wanted to work out with me, at our respective apartment gyms.  After our last workout, on our walk back to her apartment, I started talking about how I’ve tried different things, eating, working out, tennis, etc. etc. and nothing is making much of a difference.  She pretty bluntly told me what I’m doing isn’t working.  I make excuses, I change up my plan all the time, and I don’t stick to anything long enough to see if it works.

This upset me for a full 24 hours.  There was more to it than just the bit about what I’m doing not working (because in my head, eating less and working out SHOULD work).  Really though, I love her for not sugar-coating anything.  She gave me a strong reality check that I needed in that moment.

Quick aside here – growing up I went to a school for gifted and talented kids.  Decent grades came my way without a lot of hard work.  If I went through some general motions (homework, paying attention) the grade would kind of fall into place (though, I never really fought for the A’s).  In 7^th grade Biology though, I hit a wall.  The teacher was sort of Ben Stein-like with his monotone voice and his lack of command for the classroom.  But, he was the teacher that was at school around 7:30 each day, so since our working parents dropped us off so early, in his room we would hang with the hamsters and other class pets.  One morning, when I was facing a solid C in that class, and I got bratty with him; I suggested it was his fault – he didn’t teach well enough, he nonchalantly mentioned test dates, etc. etc.   He let me have it; according to him I hadn’t been applying myself, didn’t study, didn’t pay attention in class.  I had been expecting decent grades to fall into my lap just like they had all throughout the school years.

Well, Nicole’s reality check with me Friday Night brought me back to that moment.  That Bio teacher ignited some kind of fire in me to prove him wrong (by proving him right).  The next test I made an A, and the next report card was an A as well.

This weight-loss is going to take that kind of fire.  In order to succeed, I can’t half-ass it – I have to strive for the A.  There will be no fast food (even if it’s in my calorie plan), no cheating, and tons of working out.  There will be critics who question the way I’m doing it, but I have to prove them wrong by losing the weight.  I really want this weight gone, and I have to prove to everyone, including myself that it is doable.  That’s it.